Its a Mario Day!

 

Today is another one of those made up pop culture "holidays" created by internet people, but more likely its something socially engineered by Nintendo. This is very similar to May 4th being Star Wars day. March 10th only really makes sense when you abbreviate March, and also only in languages influenced by the Roman calendar. Mar 10... MarI0. Mario Day!

This video game character, in fact the entire franchise, has become probably the most recognizable video game character of all time, and probably the first video game character to become a pop culture icon. Created in 1981 as the protagonist in Donkey Kong, Mario has appeared in over 300 games since either as the main character, or in cameos. Below are some interesting factoids about everyone's favorite koopa stomping plumber...

Mario's last name is also Mario. 

Confirmed in 2015, Mario Mario is this dude's full name. Making his brother Luigi Mario, which actually makes the Mario Brothers make sense. Mario was known as Jumpman in the original Donkey Kong, and was almost name Mr. Video... so he was almost named Mario Video? I kind of like that better. Reduplicant names are dumb. 

Mario and Luigi were almost Carpenters. 

The idea was to create a working class everyman character. Carpentry was the first choice. Jumpman is a carpenter in Donkey Kong. The design of a dude in overalls seemed more plumber-like, and so Mario and Luigi became plumbers for their debut game Super Mario Brothers, which still fits the desired working class trope. Apparently plumbers are somehow synonymous with Italian-Americans in New York, so they became Italian-american plumbers from New York. Fix-it Felix from the Wreck it Ralph films is an obvious homage to Mario, and also has a working class occupation and design. This may make Mario a Socialist icon. 

Other Characters could have been Very Different

The original designs for Bowser the King Koopa were not a giant snapping turtle. Bowser was supposed to be an Ox. Giant Dragon Turtle seemed like a better option. 

Yoshi was going to be another koopa, but the design team created the green dragon character instead. 

Super Mario 2 was originally a completely different game called Doki Doki Panic, and Mario character skins were ported in instead. This explains why the storyline isn't a direct sequel, or why there is an entirely different main antagonist who never appears again, and all new minor enemies not seen in the first game. Also... you throw turnips. I think Super Mario 2 is under rated. 

This character is as old as I am. This means there hasn't been a time in my life where Mario, and Luigi, and the princesses, and toadstool people, and Bowser, and his koopas, haven't existed. I grew up being fascinated with Nintendo properties, enjoying playing, and being frustrated by their difficulties. Happy Mar10 day to everyone!

Royals are Gross

There has been a trend recently in pop culture that I think is stupid. At this point, I'm careful to examine whether something bothers me because its stupid, or because I'm just old and not hip anymore. This has actually bothered me for a while, and it seems to be getting worse. 

Using the words King and Queen as terms of endearment is dumb. While it is meant as a compliment, denoting that person as beautiful, strong, and showing leadership qualities, I'm pretty sure when confronted with what actual monarchs do, it should be seen as an insult. 

Royal titles used by normal people to describe other normal people started out in the Black community sometime during the Black Renaissance. It stems from this idea that all Black Americans are descendent from African Royal families, who were among the first to be sold into slavery in the Americas. While the Triangle Trade did rely heavily on the participation of African Kingdoms, I couldn't find any actual evidence of royalty being kidnapped and sold. Regardless of the historic truth, this idea is still an important metaphor for potential African greatness, robbed by Colonialism. The consequences of this crime are shared by American Natives, Southeast Asians, and Indians. So much progress and development was held back and straight up stolen. There are many books, papers, and studies to attest to the damage Colonialism is responsible for. 

While I understand the need to reclaim identities stolen by generations of racist supremacists, religious zealotry, and greed, trying to claim royal lineage of a bygone era is not the way to do it. In 2016, Damon Young wrote an essay about this same thing for The Root. He puts it very clearly: 

If you’re from a place where kings and queens existed, there’s a small chance you actually directly descended from them. And a much, much, much, much, much, much, much larger chance you descended from people who were ruled by them. And, if history is any guide, if you happen to be from a place with an unfathomably wealthy ruling class, that unfathomable wealth most likely ended with the ruling class. Everyone else was either some version of middle class (not very likely) or a peasant (very likely).

And this, basically, is my point. The chances that any American, no matter what their ethnic background, is actually a king or queen is near zero. This is very much like crazy white supremacists pining for Medieval Europe, because they think they'd all be knights and lords in an Aryan utopia. In reality, they'd most likely be serfs, and dying of plague in a Europe that was actually pretty diverse in the Middle Ages. More on Feudalism later.

First of all, there aren't that many monarchies left in the world, and those monarchies that still do exist are keeping very good records regarding who ascends to the throne. Karen from Alabama isn't on anyone's list. Also, even if there are a bunch of descendants of royals running around in America, only 1 can become king. That's how monarchy works. The word literally means "One Ruler". Also, whatever kingdom these hypothetical royals came from no longer exists. They'd be kings of nothing, unless you want to destroy an already existing state and set up a new kingdom. This sounds an awful lot like Colonialism, actually, which is where this all started. 

This brings me back to why I hear an insult when I hear King or Queen being used. Royals are literally the point source for all the world's current problems with equality. Royals financially supported colonies to start with. The Catholic Monarchs in Spain sent Columbus. Henry VII of England sent Cabot. Manuel I of Portugal sent the Portuguese Armada to Brazil. James I of England authorized the Virginia Company of London. And these colonies are founded on the premise that non-Christians, and therefore most non-Europeans (and quite a few actual Europeans) are inferior. 

Colonialism aside, though, why would anyone want to be associated with royalty? I know we have this weird fascination with princes and princesses in our entertainment which stretches back to some of the first ever fictional epics like Gilgamesh, and Beowulf. All of the ancient Greek heroes are kings. King Arthur. Most of Shakespeare's plays are about kings. Most of Disney's animated films are about princesses. But reading about actual historic royalty makes for some sick and twisted realities.

The way Feudalism works, Royals are at the top of a pyramid of land owning Lords. Basically, one family owns all the land, and has the power to grant land rights to lesser lords, or take it away. Everyone actually living on the land is expected to pay these lords for the privilege to exist there, through goods, services, or taxes. Feudalism relies on this idea that the lords provide protection through military defense. But... if the Lords' manpower and money come from the people, why does the people need Lords to start with? So, really a Royal family, at its core, only appears to exist to exploit the people. Feudalism looks an awful lot like a Medieval Pyramid Scheme. But systemic exploitation isn't the only terrible thing Royals are known for.

The Hapsburgs, the best example of the Royal Ick Factor, were so inbred we named a genetic deformity after them, The Hapsburg Jaw. Consanguineous marriage as a way to "purify bloodlines" wasn't just a Hapsburg thing, either. The infamous King Tutankhamen shows signs of inbreeding, meaning this crazy practice goes back at least over 3000 years. The premise of this ridiculous concept originates in the narcissistic notion that royalty can't mix with common folk, for the normal people are somehow inferior. 

Observe, for example, the "rules of etiquette" when meeting the King of England. When the Royal Family visited the US in 2009, a bunch of news outlets published articles about this. The Mental Floss article is here. Basically, no one can speak before spoken to, no touching, they expect gifts. You are expected to be there before they arrive, and they have to depart first. According to the article, even the royal pets are assholes. They behave, essentially, like they're doing you a favor by meeting you. 

This notion that Royals have distanced themselves from everyone else, created myths that they are superior to the very people they rule over is at the root of the problem I have with an entire culture identifying with royalty. Royals are perhaps the worst people on the planet, and are not the role models for the strength, beauty, empathy, and leadership that this nicknaming trend tries to acknowledge. There has got to be better, more positive, more reaffirming titles you can give your loved ones. 

Trying to Redeem Country Music

 

    I've heard all the criticisms and complaints about country music. The genre is in the same company as disco, emo, mumble rap, and EDM, getting shit on by everyone who actually knows music. The genre is riddled with formulaic song structures. The recurring themes of trucks, alcoholism, farm life, sex, and men lost in their feelings, are regurgitated seemingly in every song. The genre trades in "good ole boyisms", which on the surface promote classic good manners, loyalty to family and friends, and simple rural living. However, misogyny, racism, and anti-intellectualism are baked-in features. There is a long history of the Country Music Industry making careers of POC and female performers difficult, from Charley Pride and Cleve Francis, to the Dixie Chicks, Maren Morris, and Lil Nas X. However, apparently Beyonce is Country now, so maybe the genre is finally beginning to embrace its diverse roots. 

All this combined, it shouldn't be a surprise artists are leaving the genre, reframing the music they make into other similar categories like folk, southern rock, and Americana. Americana itself was a genre created in 1999, borrowing the term from the 1940s, the goal was, as Rolling Stone put it,"to carve out a distinct marketplace for a wave of traditionally minded songwriters [. . .] artists whose work was no longer being served by (the) country music industry". This exodus of talent naturally leaves Country Music with the worst offenders, perpetuating the worst trends. 

I spent a long time disparaging this genre, like a lot of other people. I really couldn't see the appeal with the twangy country western sound. However, I do like similar adjacent genres, like folk, bluegrass, and blues. Bands like Creedance Clearwater Revival, the Grateful Dead, Neil Young, and Brett Dennen are all favorites, and all flirt with country music sounds. I'm also a big fan of the Outlaw Country guys Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Jerry Jeff Walker, Waylon Jennings, and Kris Kristopherson. Recently, I've discovered some new country acts that appear to stay out of the terribleness the rest of the genre fell into. 

From the Willie Nelson wing of Country Music, Miss Margo Price won awards from the Americana Music Awards, the American Music Prize, and the UK Americana Awards, and also was nominated for a Grammy in 2018. Being a female talent, Price suffers from the misogyny baked into the industry. Her debut album was heralded as a stellar new talent by several publications, and nominated for awards. Her newest album, above, is a must have. She is most certainly a country artist who moved into the Americana genre. 

Sturgill Simpson, unrelated to Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ, has been compared to Outlaw Country legends Waylon Jennings, and Merle Haggard. This Outlaw Country thing may be a bit of a theme in this post... The above record, A Sailor's Guide to Earth, won the Best Country Album Grammy, and was nominated for Album of the Year. He has opened for Guns n Roses, and played with Willie Nelson, Margo Price and Bob Weir. 

Adeem the Artist needs to be protected. They have a strong and important voice within the genre, however, they also identify as non binary and uses they/them pronouns.... so... within the milieu of Country Music, they're a target for the highly conservative, highly misogynist, and homophobic culture. This record dropped in 2022 and targets racism, homophobia, fundamentalist religion, and Southern culture. This is a songwriter to watch, with a message that can help dissolve the stranglehold hatred has on poor white Southern and Western communities. 

Lukas Nelson, actually related to Willie Nelson, and his band, the Promise of the Real are as much a fresh look at Country, as they are a throwback. Also Neil Young's current backup band, The Promise of the Real are the vanguard of the left wing of Country music. This band has ties to Margo Price, Sturgill Simpson, Bob Weir and Neil Young (obviously) and have toured with BB King, Willie Nelson (also, obviously), and John Fogerty. 

The Dead South are Canadian, and like Stompin Tom Connors, Neil Young, and Shania Twain, they carry on the legacy of country sounds from the northernest North American nation. Technically a band that puts themselves squarely in Bluegrass as a genre, they cover a lot of the same tropes and styles of Country, especially the Appalachian styles that propelled early Country, bluegrass, and folk music. 

These three genres are very similar and share roots, and the Dead South does a great job of revealing that. In fact, the band has received criticism from "bluegrass purists" for dabbling in country and "African" sounds, and for supporting a punk ethos. This disregards the fact that bluegrass owes a lot of its genre defining sound to the banjo, a Black American instrument based on traditional African instruments. 

Star Wars ReWrites

It is no secret that I am not a fan of the Star Wars movies episodes 1-3, and 8. Don't mistake these huge critiques for disliking the enitre franchise. I think THE Space Western overall is a very cool concept and story (mostly) and a cool sandbox to create in, which is evident by Jon Favreau's Mandalorian and Boba Fett shows. However, as I've said previously, the prequels are a hot mess. At the heart of this hot mess is a terrible plot. I understand while I can criticize the bad choices made for these three movies, I havent really come back with an alternative. So...  here we go. For continuity sake, and to clarify, we are KEEPING episodes 4-7, and 9 probably in their entirety. Episode 8 doesnt really seem to be relevant to the overall plot, and can probably be thrown out altogether, although there are some intriguing ideas. We are also tossing everything Clone Wars related, but keeping Rogue 1, and Solo, as I don't believe the prequels are ever brought up in detail, so whatever we change, won't mess with continuity. 

WHAT WE KNOW: 

George Lucas establishes in A New Hope a few things about this universe. There is a Galactic Empire, ruled by an Emperor. Previously, there had been an intergalactic war known as the Clone Wars. There was also an order of warrior monks called the Jedi with telekenetic abilities derived from a natural and spiritual essence known as the Force. They are an ancient religion, and they fought in the Clone Wars. 

The Galaxy believes these Jedi had all been nearly wiped out somehow, but few may still be living in exile. Obi Wan Kenobi is one of these. Luke Skywalker's father was also a Jedi and knew Obi Wan, and was "betrayed and murdered" by Darth Vader. Han Solo knows the Jedi used to exist, but not much else, leading one to believe its been awhile since the Jedi disappeared, or they're so secretive, not much was generally known. Darth Vader is also a Force user, it is unclear what his relationship is to the Jedi Order. 

We also know, from A New Hope that there is already an established group in open rebellion against the Empire. Not much is revealed about how they are organized, but later scenes show they have an established base of operations, and operate much like a standing army with heirarchical leadership. They also appear to be fully funded and have a wide array of weapons, including several squadrons of star fighters. 

Conversely, we know the Empire appears to function as a government divided into several smaller territories run by governors known as Moffs. Grand Moff Tarkin being one of these. Darth Vader appears to be the senior representative of the Emperor, but not necessarily the Commander-in-Chief of the military, nor does he seem to have authority over the Moffs, as Tarkin appears to always have the last word. However, in Empire Strikes Back, Vader takes on more of an admiral role, and even has his own giant star destroyer. 

In Empire Strikes Back, we also learn Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker are the same person, and A: Luke is his son, B: there is another option if Luke fails and, C: Obi-Wan tried to train Anakin like he trained Luke and failed. 

In Return of the Jedi we learn Leia is the other option because Luke and Leia are twins. They also have little to no memory of their actual mother, so they had to have been separated from her when they were very young.  

The Mandalorian establishes at a point in the past, the Empire attacked Mandalore in retribution for something, seemingly making the planet uninhabitable, and forcing survivors to live in exile. It also makes clear, Mandalore was once respected in the Galaxy as a fearsome warrior society. 

In addition to these things, and all characters that appear and are talked about in the canonical films, I do like certain prequel characters and think they still have potential. I've decided to keep Mace Windu, Darth Maul, Jar Jar Binks, and some others. 

Episode One: The Phantom Menace

The original prequels fail in that they don't provide a convincing reason how a centuries long government can finally collapse. An upstart trade federation is ridiculous. No government on Earth has ever been taken down by a trade group. Usually giant empires fall due to environmental disasters, exterior pressures and internal conflicts, or invasion. 

My story makes far more sense, but can also use some of the element from the original plot. A galaxy is a pretty big space, with lots of diversity in both environments and lifeforms. However, economics is a shared element that can bridge all these differences. So, for hundreds of years, the Galactic Republic is able to secure trade and keep the peace. Everyone trades, everyone prospers, and all disputes are managed by the Republic's Diplomatic Corps and the Jedi Order of Knights. There is no standing Army or Navy, but several member systems maintain small forces to combat crime and piracy. 

That is until the economy hits a once in a lifetime recession. Now a few member systems have doubts about the Republic's economic policies. This establishes an internal conflict. At the same time, there is a external threat to the Republic from another wing of the galaxy. 

I looked into Star Wars Legends stuff for extant species to plunder for this purpose. Although the Yuuzhan Vong are intriguing on their own, created as an antagonist for the post-Return of the Jedi books, the Tof from the comics seem to be a better option. It is an Empire of its own, with several subject systems. They have a war-like culture, but are more interested in conquest than annihilation.  

That should probably be the only thing we take from the Tof in the Comics. In the comics, these guys look like green skinned pirates from the Caribbean, complete with spaceships that looked like pirate ships with sails and rigging. They will have to be completely redesigned because that is dumb. 

From another arm of the galaxy, until now not having any contact with the Republic, the Tof Empire begins raiding Outer Rim worlds, and making aggressive demands. The Republic is ill equipped to handle this situation, as there is no military force, only a diplomatic Corp and the samurai-like Jedi peace keepers. The Jedi ask for the Republic to act, as this is a threat unlike anything they have had to deal with in hundreds of years. 

A few Senators from Outer Rim systems, lead by the Count Dooku, the Senator from Serenno, and Jar Jar Binks, Senator from Naboo, propose repealing the Republic's demilitarization policy. This would allow for a new military to be built. In the meantime, a Defense Force will be built quickly by retrofitting large transport vessels, and conscripting independent states' anti-piracy fleets. They also propose building a force of Marines using new but highly unethical cloning technology. This proposal is fought by Senator Palpatine of Grizmalt and Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan. Instead they propose sending Jedi to bolster the already existing anti-piracy fleets and defend Outer Rim sectors until they can open diplomatic channels with the Tof. 

Bail Organa takes two Jedi, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, and his apprentice Anakin Skywalker, to Mandalore to secure mercenaries to help reinforce the defenses in Outer Rim systems. The Jedi win the Mandalorians' respect and swear allegiance. 

Meanwhile, Palpatine, the biggest supporter of keeping the Union together, despite economic recession, thwarts an attempted assassination by Darth Maul. Jar Jar Binks uses this event to stoke fear in other Senators, calling the assassin an agent from the Tof. He succeeds in building a coalition for secession from the Republic. ("how can the Republic keep our home systems safe, when they can't even keep the Senate safe?") 

Palpatine requests Obi-Wan and Anakin to investigate the assassination further. 

A few Outer Rim systems have started building their Navy anyway in secret, led by Count Dooku and senator Mitth from Csilla (the Chiss). Their efforts are seemingly aided by two shadowy agents who have been traveling all over the galaxy making deals to secure the resources necessary. It is unclear who these two women actually represent, but they are protected by a ninja like figure (Darth Maul). The cloning begins, using infamous Mandalorian outcast Jengo Fett as its blueprint. 

As systems begin to secede from the Republic due to economic recession and safety fears, the Tof raids in the Outer Rim continue to escalate. Jedi forces are taxed to their limit in protecting Outer Rim systems even with Mandalorian reinforcements. The Anti-Pirate fleets borrowed from Mid Galaxy and Core systems, have left these areas defenseless, leading to an unprecedented crime wave, strengthening the Hutt, Black Sun, and Crimson Dawn crime families. This creates even more uncertainty among Republic member planets and puts more pressure on the Union. 

During their investigation of Bail Organa's assassination attempt, Obi-Wan Kenobi and his protege, Anakin Skywalker investigate a tip given to them by Senator Palpatine. They uncover the secret Navy being built by rogue Outer Rim systems in direct violation of the Republic's Orders. This scandal rips through the Republic. Several more systems secede. Obi-Wan continues to investigate the assassination further on his own. 

Seeing the weakness, the Tof begin to invade Republic systems. They mount an invasion of Coruscant, but the Mandalorians, assisted by Jedi Mace Windu, Obi-Wan and Anakin Skywalker, manage to push the Tof away and defend the Core system and the center of Republican government. However, several other Outer Rim systems fall to the Tof. 

After the narrow victory, Palpatine, with support from his biggest detractor Senator Dooku, calls for the Republic to give him emergency dictator powers to oversee the defense of both member and separatist systems. The motion passes, and Palpatine commandeers the secret Navy and the cloned Marines, and ramps up military spending and training across the rest of the Republic. The Jedi finally get the support they asked for and begin the Clone Wars against the invading Tof. Palpatine is seen as the great leader who has preserved the Union in a time of strife, and has rebounded the failing economy through his military spending. 

Meanwhile, Anakin is seen as a hero of the Battle of Coruscant and is awarded his Masters robes by the Jedi Order at the request of Obi-Wan. He is charged by Yoda and Qui Gin Jinn to train the newest group of apprentices.

The Clone Wars

This second film opens with the Clone Wars already in full swing. Anakin, as a master, has been leading a strike force of Jedi apprentices. A new apprentice has been added to the group, Ahsoka Tano, a young Togruta girl. Meanwhile Obi-Wan and Mace Windu have been leading squads of clone troopers. As the movie begins, these 3 groups are reunited on the Bothan planet Bothawui, preparing a push to free the world from Tof control. During the ensuing campaign, Ahsoka begins to discover the true nature of Anakin's strike force. The Bothawui campaign is a success and proves to be the turning point in the Clone Wars. 

As the war comes to an end, and the Tof are pushed out of Republic Territory. Bail Organa calls for opening diplomatic talks and ending the war, but Palpatine, refusing to give up his dictator powers, opposes the motion, and with Count Dooku, and Mithh, and Jar Jar Binks in his ear, seeks retribution for the Tof's aggression by invading the Tof Empire outright. The Republic Senate is left in an uproar.  Meanwhile the Mandalorians discover the source of the clones (Jengo Fett, the banished Mandalorian), and despite the best efforts of the Jedi, they desert the Republic Armed Forces and return to Mandalore. 

Obi-Wan Kenobi's investigation finally uncovers the assassin, at the same time, Ahsoka blows the whistle on Anakin. She informs Obi-Wan and Mace Windu of Anakin's seeming treachery, unclear of his motives, and of a plot to destroy Serenno. Obi-Wan asks for Mace Windu's assisstance. They attempt to arrest these alleged terrorists, and end up battling Darth Maul and his two female operatives. The female agents are revealed to be Padme Amidala and her sister Sola Naberrie from Grizmalt. 

In the ensuing fight, Padme is killed. Darth Maul and Sola escape, and the Jedi are left to chase and stop the planned terror attack. 

In the epilogue, we see Anakin, distraught. "This wasnt supposed to happen". A voice offscreen tells him they have the technology to clone. 

REVENGE of the SITH

Darth Maul, and Sola are confronted by Mace Windu, and Obi Wan Kenobi. However, Sola escapes, leaving Darth Maul to fight the two Jedi alone. The Jedi understand Maul to be Sith, an offshoot of the Jedi Order obsessed with the Dark Side and thought to have been outlawed and eradicated. Before Maul is seemingly killed, he reveals there are Sith in the Senate, and he is but one of 4. 

Meanwhile, Skywalker confronts Dooku. The Count is surprised the Sith have gone back on their deal. Dooku exposes the pact made between him and the Sith lords. They planned the economic recession, the war, the assassinations, everything to spark a coup disguised as legitimate procedure to defend the Republic. Dooku and his allies in the Senate would benefit from lucrative defense contracts previously banned by Republic law, and the Sith would gain power as Prime Senators for life. Skywalker tells Dooku the Sith had no intention of sharing power and wealth. Skywalker kills him.

Sola ignites the city, destroying it and polluting the planet. She escapes to rendezvous with Anakin. 

The Jedi also escape and split up. Mace Windu takes two other Jedi Knights to share with Dictator Palpatine what they've learned about the Sith presence in the Senate, as news of the tragedy on Serenno reaches Corsucant. Meanwhile Obi-Wan Kenobi goes to confront Skywalker about his betrayal and arrest him. 

While Obi-Wan fights Skywalker, Anakin reveals why he turned to the darkside. He could never understand why the Order had to be celibate, and renounce all wealth and power. His new Master, Darth Sidious showed him the kinds of wealth and power he can obtain while building a life and family with Padme that the Jedi refused to allow him. But now Padme is dead, and all he wants is revenge. Obi-Wan presses Skywalker about the identity of Darth Sidious, but he doesnt give up Palpatine. Obi-Wan incorrectly guesses Jar Jar Binks is the Sith Master. 

As Obi-Wan defeats Skywalker, cutting off his arm and leaving him to die in the fires of Mustafar, Mace Windu arrives in Coruscant. He intends to meet with Palpatine and the Economic Council, made up of the heads of the most powerful trade organizations in the galaxy. However, he is stopped by Senator Jar Jar Binks, revealed as the Sith Lord, Darth Tyranus, for the first time. Windu and the other 2 Jedi fight Jar Jar Binks. The Sith Lord manages to kill the other Jedi, but is overmatched by Mace Windu. Mace Windu defeats Darth Tyranus, but doesnt kill him. 

Palpatine watches this all happen, a spectator this whole time. As Darth Tyranus is defeated, Sola enters and stands with Palpatine. Mace Windu recognizes Sola from their encounter in Serrano as Palpatine turns on him, revealing himself to be the Sith Master, Darth Sidious. Darth Maul, Darth Tyranus, and Anakin were his apprentices. Dooku was only a manipulative pawn, "much like the Jedi Order itself". On a television screen to the side, a news broadcast shows a few Senators including Mithh at a press conference, revealing the Jedi Order are behind the deadly attack on Serenno, and Count Dooku has been murdered by Jedi operatives. 

At the same time, the group of Apprentices trained by Anakin, turn on unsuspecting fellow Jedi, with the help of a small group of Mandalorian mercenaries led by Gar Saxon. Anakin and Palpatine have been poisoning these young Jedi, turning them to the Dark Side in secret. Dozens are killed, and the temple is burned down. This attack begins the Jedi Betrayal, which will culminate in the Jedi Purge, years later completed by Darth Vader and Gar Saxon. Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn and a small group of other Jedi are cornered. The group fights back, but are overwhelmed. Qui-Gon Jinn falls, sacrificing himself so Yoda and the rest of the group can escape. He vanishes in a pile of clothing (obviously). Yoda's group flees and contacts several Jedi operating off planet, including Obi-Wan. Dozens go into hiding. 

Palpatine is able to overcome Mace Windu, with the help of Sola, killing him. 

Anakin's apprentices rescue him from Mustafar and bring him back to Palpatine, to be rechristened Darth Vader. Palpatine casts the Jedi purge as the necessary response to their treachery, blaming the Jedi Order for inviting the Tof to start with. When the Tof invasion failed, he says, the Jedi destroyed Seranno, and killed Dooku in retaliation. In addition, Palpatine says, they attempted to do the same to Naboo and Grizmalt, and attempted to assassinate himself and Jar Jar Binks, but luckily they failed. 

He then declares himself Dictator for Life and shuts himself away with his consort. Jar Jar Binks, and Wilhuff Tarkin expand the war and press into Tor space, unveiling new military, including Star Destroyers, Tie Fighters, marching storm troopers, and even a glimpse at plans for a Death Star. 

At the very end, we see doctors at Vader's bedside, he is expected to make a full recovering, including some modifications. The cloning process, he is told, was successful. The doctor moves away and the Padme clone is revealed behind him. 

In an epilogue, we see a new cabal of characters uniting to rebel against this new Empire, including Bail Organa, Mon Mothma, Ackbar, Obi-Wan Kenobi, some wookies, bothans, and others. Of course, R2D2 and C3PO will be there. I want to include Owen Lars here too, maybe. See below for details. 

Afterward

You see... this plot sets up a more believable government in jeopardy. Because things like the Rule of Two don't exist, we can have a cabal of Sith Lords working together to create chaos and gain control. Because we have internal threats (failed economies) and external threats (outside pressures), the threat to eternal peace doesn't seem far fetched. We get a Space Western with Magic Space Samurai and Space Diplomatic Intrigue. We are actually getting a real Star War!

This scenario sets up Tarkin as an antagonist in A New Hope, sets up a good reason for the destruction of Mandalore (they deserted the Republic Navy), makes Darth Maul's resurgence in Solo more believable (he doesnt get cut in half). It also shows the potential for a Palpatine bloodline, which seemed to come out of nowhere in Episode 9. Also, the prototype planet destroyer, seen in Rogue One, will be seen in an even more protoypical stage as it rips through Serenna. 

There will be a foundation for the kinds of rotten Capitalism shown in Episode 7. Fascist takeovers like described here can only be successful when the Upper Class either is in cahoots, or does nothing. In this case, Jar Jar Binks, Dooku, and Tarkin have all been working behind the scenes to make deals with the people who will become Palpatine's Ministers, and Grand Moffs. Speaking of Grand Moffs, introducing a Chiss character helps set up for Thrawn in the future AND gives an easter egg to some crazy fans. 

It also gives Vader purpose. He needs to seek and destroy the Jedi and introduces his group of accolades (his Jedi apprentice Strike Force) who will be known as something like the Sith Inquisitors, or the Emperor's Hands, or the Knights of the Sith, which then makes the Knights of Ren more understandable, if Kilo Ren intends to reproduce Vader's legacy. 

In addition, we don't get a huge spoiler by knowing who Luke and Leia are at the end of the 3rd Episode, thereby ruining the surprises in Empire and Jedi. Nor do we have to wrestle with the Prequels' weird Padme/Anakin relationship. She is no longer 10 years older than he is, or a virtuous protagonist. 

Padme doesnt really die. I mean, she dies, which helps toss Anakin completely into the Dark Side. But... clones. We can bring her back. This also means Luke and Leia dont have to be born immediately. The Empire can exist for more than 18 to 20 years before the 2nd Death Star is blown up. We don't have to wonder why Obi-Wan Kenobi looks 30 something in Revenge of the Sith, and 70 in A New Hope, when he should only be in his early 50s. 

Also, it allows for a movie or tv show about how Vader's twins end up kidnapped and separated. I imagine its probably an assassination attempt on Vader himself, but he's out of town, and Padme becomes the target instead. The Rebel assassins didnt plan for twin babies, and so they take them with. Or... something similar. Bail Organa takes Leia to Alderaan. Owen Lars, one of the rebel assassins, takes Luke to Tatooine, where he will retire to be a moisture farmer, disillusioned by his experiences in the Rebellion. He hopes raising this kid will atone for some of the terrible things he has done. 

This scenario also allows Rey to mirror Luke and Leia as products of their upbringing, as opposed to slaves of their bloodlines. Even though Luke and Leia and Rey have evil, Fascist parents, they turn out to be virtuous defenders of the Light Side, by being raised outside of those families. 

And, the best part, no Anakin as a child. Unnecessary. No mommy issues, no ties to Tatooine. No speed racer scenes. No midichlorian Force algae causing an emaculate conception. Oh, and no building a droid by hand who becomes an important main character in future movies and never mentions it once. 

There. I fixed it.  

They Command No Respect

 

As anticipated, the NFL's Washington Football Team unveiled their new mascot and logo on February 2. After 18 months of contemplation, a year and a half of brainstorming and vetting ideas, the big brains within the Washington Football Club committed to....

The Commanders

At this point, everyone on Twitter has made the same jokes. But I'm going to put them here too, because they're funny, and this mascot is lame. For starters, team names often have shortened nicknames. The Patriots are known as the Pats, the Packers are called the Pack, the Cavaliers are known as the Cavs, etc, etc. The Commanders...  wearing maroon... The Commies is just too easy!

Also, a name like Commanders is going to invoke allusions to other things....  like commanding organizational skills....

I guess it is an Organized Sport...

Even better than a cheap hook joke, most Gen Xers, and elder Millennials will more than likely make the GI Joe comparison...

Anyway...  I obviously think this choice is a joke. But apparently, I'm not alone. The Washington Post conducted a survey between February 2 and the 14th. As you can see below, fans who like or love the new name account for only 41%. Negative Opinions add up to 49%, and if you include "no opinion" as being apathetic and therefore also negative, that equals 60% of all polled. In addition, it appears most fans would have preferred remaining the Washington Football Team, which was the placeholder name until they came up with a new one. 

Interest level	Percentage points
Love	5%
Like	36%
Dislike	32%
Hate	17%
No Opinion	11%

Team name	Percentage points
Washington Football Team	43%
Commanders	26%
Redskins	22%
Other	5%
No opinion	5%

It seems this franchise can't get a break. But then again, all these investigations into office conduct doesn't really make me sympathetic. In addition to lukewarm response to their new name, the team has also been called out for their new logo (shown above). Apparently they trademarked the dates for the Superbowls, not the championship season. This sounds like semantics (and it is) but the Superbowl played in Febuary of 1983 was for a season mostly played in 1982. This article explains the issue, and its pretty funny, because its such a stupid problem to have. 

At least they are no longer clinging to their old mascot and nickname. And I think most of us can agree on that. And perhaps all these issues they're having now is just karma earned from decades of propping up a racist slur.