Royals are Gross

There has been a trend recently in pop culture that I think is stupid. At this point, I'm careful to examine whether something bothers me because its stupid, or because I'm just old and not hip anymore. This has actually bothered me for a while, and it seems to be getting worse. 

Using the words King and Queen as terms of endearment is dumb. While it is meant as a compliment, denoting that person as beautiful, strong, and showing leadership qualities, I'm pretty sure when confronted with what actual monarchs do, it should be seen as an insult. 

Royal titles used by normal people to describe other normal people started out in the Black community sometime during the Black Renaissance. It stems from this idea that all Black Americans are descendent from African Royal families, who were among the first to be sold into slavery in the Americas. While the Triangle Trade did rely heavily on the participation of African Kingdoms, I couldn't find any actual evidence of royalty being kidnapped and sold. Regardless of the historic truth, this idea is still an important metaphor for potential African greatness, robbed by Colonialism. The consequences of this crime are shared by American Natives, Southeast Asians, and Indians. So much progress and development was held back and straight up stolen. There are many books, papers, and studies to attest to the damage Colonialism is responsible for. 

While I understand the need to reclaim identities stolen by generations of racist supremacists, religious zealotry, and greed, trying to claim royal lineage of a bygone era is not the way to do it. In 2016, Damon Young wrote an essay about this same thing for The Root. He puts it very clearly: 

If you’re from a place where kings and queens existed, there’s a small chance you actually directly descended from them. And a much, much, much, much, much, much, much larger chance you descended from people who were ruled by them. And, if history is any guide, if you happen to be from a place with an unfathomably wealthy ruling class, that unfathomable wealth most likely ended with the ruling class. Everyone else was either some version of middle class (not very likely) or a peasant (very likely).

And this, basically, is my point. The chances that any American, no matter what their ethnic background, is actually a king or queen is near zero. This is very much like crazy white supremacists pining for Medieval Europe, because they think they'd all be knights and lords in an Aryan utopia. In reality, they'd most likely be serfs, and dying of plague in a Europe that was actually pretty diverse in the Middle Ages. More on Feudalism later.

First of all, there aren't that many monarchies left in the world, and those monarchies that still do exist are keeping very good records regarding who ascends to the throne. Karen from Alabama isn't on anyone's list. Also, even if there are a bunch of descendants of royals running around in America, only 1 can become king. That's how monarchy works. The word literally means "One Ruler". Also, whatever kingdom these hypothetical royals came from no longer exists. They'd be kings of nothing, unless you want to destroy an already existing state and set up a new kingdom. This sounds an awful lot like Colonialism, actually, which is where this all started. 

This brings me back to why I hear an insult when I hear King or Queen being used. Royals are literally the point source for all the world's current problems with equality. Royals financially supported colonies to start with. The Catholic Monarchs in Spain sent Columbus. Henry VII of England sent Cabot. Manuel I of Portugal sent the Portuguese Armada to Brazil. James I of England authorized the Virginia Company of London. And these colonies are founded on the premise that non-Christians, and therefore most non-Europeans (and quite a few actual Europeans) are inferior. 

Colonialism aside, though, why would anyone want to be associated with royalty? I know we have this weird fascination with princes and princesses in our entertainment which stretches back to some of the first ever fictional epics like Gilgamesh, and Beowulf. All of the ancient Greek heroes are kings. King Arthur. Most of Shakespeare's plays are about kings. Most of Disney's animated films are about princesses. But reading about actual historic royalty makes for some sick and twisted realities.

The way Feudalism works, Royals are at the top of a pyramid of land owning Lords. Basically, one family owns all the land, and has the power to grant land rights to lesser lords, or take it away. Everyone actually living on the land is expected to pay these lords for the privilege to exist there, through goods, services, or taxes. Feudalism relies on this idea that the lords provide protection through military defense. But... if the Lords' manpower and money come from the people, why does the people need Lords to start with? So, really a Royal family, at its core, only appears to exist to exploit the people. Feudalism looks an awful lot like a Medieval Pyramid Scheme. But systemic exploitation isn't the only terrible thing Royals are known for.

The Hapsburgs, the best example of the Royal Ick Factor, were so inbred we named a genetic deformity after them, The Hapsburg Jaw. Consanguineous marriage as a way to "purify bloodlines" wasn't just a Hapsburg thing, either. The infamous King Tutankhamen shows signs of inbreeding, meaning this crazy practice goes back at least over 3000 years. The premise of this ridiculous concept originates in the narcissistic notion that royalty can't mix with common folk, for the normal people are somehow inferior. 

Observe, for example, the "rules of etiquette" when meeting the King of England. When the Royal Family visited the US in 2009, a bunch of news outlets published articles about this. The Mental Floss article is here. Basically, no one can speak before spoken to, no touching, they expect gifts. You are expected to be there before they arrive, and they have to depart first. According to the article, even the royal pets are assholes. They behave, essentially, like they're doing you a favor by meeting you. 

This notion that Royals have distanced themselves from everyone else, created myths that they are superior to the very people they rule over is at the root of the problem I have with an entire culture identifying with royalty. Royals are perhaps the worst people on the planet, and are not the role models for the strength, beauty, empathy, and leadership that this nicknaming trend tries to acknowledge. There has got to be better, more positive, more reaffirming titles you can give your loved ones.