Star Wars ReWrites

It is no secret that I am not a fan of the Star Wars movies episodes 1-3, and 8. Don't mistake these huge critiques for disliking the enitre franchise. I think THE Space Western overall is a very cool concept and story (mostly) and a cool sandbox to create in, which is evident by Jon Favreau's Mandalorian and Boba Fett shows. However, as I've said previously, the prequels are a hot mess. At the heart of this hot mess is a terrible plot. I understand while I can criticize the bad choices made for these three movies, I havent really come back with an alternative. So...  here we go. For continuity sake, and to clarify, we are KEEPING episodes 4-7, and 9 probably in their entirety. Episode 8 doesnt really seem to be relevant to the overall plot, and can probably be thrown out altogether, although there are some intriguing ideas. We are also tossing everything Clone Wars related, but keeping Rogue 1, and Solo, as I don't believe the prequels are ever brought up in detail, so whatever we change, won't mess with continuity. 

WHAT WE KNOW: 

George Lucas establishes in A New Hope a few things about this universe. There is a Galactic Empire, ruled by an Emperor. Previously, there had been an intergalactic war known as the Clone Wars. There was also an order of warrior monks called the Jedi with telekenetic abilities derived from a natural and spiritual essence known as the Force. They are an ancient religion, and they fought in the Clone Wars. 

The Galaxy believes these Jedi had all been nearly wiped out somehow, but few may still be living in exile. Obi Wan Kenobi is one of these. Luke Skywalker's father was also a Jedi and knew Obi Wan, and was "betrayed and murdered" by Darth Vader. Han Solo knows the Jedi used to exist, but not much else, leading one to believe its been awhile since the Jedi disappeared, or they're so secretive, not much was generally known. Darth Vader is also a Force user, it is unclear what his relationship is to the Jedi Order. 

We also know, from A New Hope that there is already an established group in open rebellion against the Empire. Not much is revealed about how they are organized, but later scenes show they have an established base of operations, and operate much like a standing army with heirarchical leadership. They also appear to be fully funded and have a wide array of weapons, including several squadrons of star fighters. 

Conversely, we know the Empire appears to function as a government divided into several smaller territories run by governors known as Moffs. Grand Moff Tarkin being one of these. Darth Vader appears to be the senior representative of the Emperor, but not necessarily the Commander-in-Chief of the military, nor does he seem to have authority over the Moffs, as Tarkin appears to always have the last word. However, in Empire Strikes Back, Vader takes on more of an admiral role, and even has his own giant star destroyer. 

In Empire Strikes Back, we also learn Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker are the same person, and A: Luke is his son, B: there is another option if Luke fails and, C: Obi-Wan tried to train Anakin like he trained Luke and failed. 

In Return of the Jedi we learn Leia is the other option because Luke and Leia are twins. They also have little to no memory of their actual mother, so they had to have been separated from her when they were very young.  

The Mandalorian establishes at a point in the past, the Empire attacked Mandalore in retribution for something, seemingly making the planet uninhabitable, and forcing survivors to live in exile. It also makes clear, Mandalore was once respected in the Galaxy as a fearsome warrior society. 

In addition to these things, and all characters that appear and are talked about in the canonical films, I do like certain prequel characters and think they still have potential. I've decided to keep Mace Windu, Darth Maul, Jar Jar Binks, and some others. 

Episode One: The Phantom Menace

The original prequels fail in that they don't provide a convincing reason how a centuries long government can finally collapse. An upstart trade federation is ridiculous. No government on Earth has ever been taken down by a trade group. Usually giant empires fall due to environmental disasters, exterior pressures and internal conflicts, or invasion. 

My story makes far more sense, but can also use some of the element from the original plot. A galaxy is a pretty big space, with lots of diversity in both environments and lifeforms. However, economics is a shared element that can bridge all these differences. So, for hundreds of years, the Galactic Republic is able to secure trade and keep the peace. Everyone trades, everyone prospers, and all disputes are managed by the Republic's Diplomatic Corps and the Jedi Order of Knights. There is no standing Army or Navy, but several member systems maintain small forces to combat crime and piracy. 

That is until the economy hits a once in a lifetime recession. Now a few member systems have doubts about the Republic's economic policies. This establishes an internal conflict. At the same time, there is a external threat to the Republic from another wing of the galaxy. 

I looked into Star Wars Legends stuff for extant species to plunder for this purpose. Although the Yuuzhan Vong are intriguing on their own, created as an antagonist for the post-Return of the Jedi books, the Tof from the comics seem to be a better option. It is an Empire of its own, with several subject systems. They have a war-like culture, but are more interested in conquest than annihilation.  

That should probably be the only thing we take from the Tof in the Comics. In the comics, these guys look like green skinned pirates from the Caribbean, complete with spaceships that looked like pirate ships with sails and rigging. They will have to be completely redesigned because that is dumb. 

From another arm of the galaxy, until now not having any contact with the Republic, the Tof Empire begins raiding Outer Rim worlds, and making aggressive demands. The Republic is ill equipped to handle this situation, as there is no military force, only a diplomatic Corp and the samurai-like Jedi peace keepers. The Jedi ask for the Republic to act, as this is a threat unlike anything they have had to deal with in hundreds of years. 

A few Senators from Outer Rim systems, lead by the Count Dooku, the Senator from Serenno, and Jar Jar Binks, Senator from Naboo, propose repealing the Republic's demilitarization policy. This would allow for a new military to be built. In the meantime, a Defense Force will be built quickly by retrofitting large transport vessels, and conscripting independent states' anti-piracy fleets. They also propose building a force of Marines using new but highly unethical cloning technology. This proposal is fought by Senator Palpatine of Grizmalt and Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan. Instead they propose sending Jedi to bolster the already existing anti-piracy fleets and defend Outer Rim sectors until they can open diplomatic channels with the Tof. 

Bail Organa takes two Jedi, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, and his apprentice Anakin Skywalker, to Mandalore to secure mercenaries to help reinforce the defenses in Outer Rim systems. The Jedi win the Mandalorians' respect and swear allegiance. 

Meanwhile, Palpatine, the biggest supporter of keeping the Union together, despite economic recession, thwarts an attempted assassination by Darth Maul. Jar Jar Binks uses this event to stoke fear in other Senators, calling the assassin an agent from the Tof. He succeeds in building a coalition for secession from the Republic. ("how can the Republic keep our home systems safe, when they can't even keep the Senate safe?") 

Palpatine requests Obi-Wan and Anakin to investigate the assassination further. 

A few Outer Rim systems have started building their Navy anyway in secret, led by Count Dooku and senator Mitth from Csilla (the Chiss). Their efforts are seemingly aided by two shadowy agents who have been traveling all over the galaxy making deals to secure the resources necessary. It is unclear who these two women actually represent, but they are protected by a ninja like figure (Darth Maul). The cloning begins, using infamous Mandalorian outcast Jengo Fett as its blueprint. 

As systems begin to secede from the Republic due to economic recession and safety fears, the Tof raids in the Outer Rim continue to escalate. Jedi forces are taxed to their limit in protecting Outer Rim systems even with Mandalorian reinforcements. The Anti-Pirate fleets borrowed from Mid Galaxy and Core systems, have left these areas defenseless, leading to an unprecedented crime wave, strengthening the Hutt, Black Sun, and Crimson Dawn crime families. This creates even more uncertainty among Republic member planets and puts more pressure on the Union. 

During their investigation of Bail Organa's assassination attempt, Obi-Wan Kenobi and his protege, Anakin Skywalker investigate a tip given to them by Senator Palpatine. They uncover the secret Navy being built by rogue Outer Rim systems in direct violation of the Republic's Orders. This scandal rips through the Republic. Several more systems secede. Obi-Wan continues to investigate the assassination further on his own. 

Seeing the weakness, the Tof begin to invade Republic systems. They mount an invasion of Coruscant, but the Mandalorians, assisted by Jedi Mace Windu, Obi-Wan and Anakin Skywalker, manage to push the Tof away and defend the Core system and the center of Republican government. However, several other Outer Rim systems fall to the Tof. 

After the narrow victory, Palpatine, with support from his biggest detractor Senator Dooku, calls for the Republic to give him emergency dictator powers to oversee the defense of both member and separatist systems. The motion passes, and Palpatine commandeers the secret Navy and the cloned Marines, and ramps up military spending and training across the rest of the Republic. The Jedi finally get the support they asked for and begin the Clone Wars against the invading Tof. Palpatine is seen as the great leader who has preserved the Union in a time of strife, and has rebounded the failing economy through his military spending. 

Meanwhile, Anakin is seen as a hero of the Battle of Coruscant and is awarded his Masters robes by the Jedi Order at the request of Obi-Wan. He is charged by Yoda and Qui Gin Jinn to train the newest group of apprentices.

The Clone Wars

This second film opens with the Clone Wars already in full swing. Anakin, as a master, has been leading a strike force of Jedi apprentices. A new apprentice has been added to the group, Ahsoka Tano, a young Togruta girl. Meanwhile Obi-Wan and Mace Windu have been leading squads of clone troopers. As the movie begins, these 3 groups are reunited on the Bothan planet Bothawui, preparing a push to free the world from Tof control. During the ensuing campaign, Ahsoka begins to discover the true nature of Anakin's strike force. The Bothawui campaign is a success and proves to be the turning point in the Clone Wars. 

As the war comes to an end, and the Tof are pushed out of Republic Territory. Bail Organa calls for opening diplomatic talks and ending the war, but Palpatine, refusing to give up his dictator powers, opposes the motion, and with Count Dooku, and Mithh, and Jar Jar Binks in his ear, seeks retribution for the Tof's aggression by invading the Tof Empire outright. The Republic Senate is left in an uproar.  Meanwhile the Mandalorians discover the source of the clones (Jengo Fett, the banished Mandalorian), and despite the best efforts of the Jedi, they desert the Republic Armed Forces and return to Mandalore. 

Obi-Wan Kenobi's investigation finally uncovers the assassin, at the same time, Ahsoka blows the whistle on Anakin. She informs Obi-Wan and Mace Windu of Anakin's seeming treachery, unclear of his motives, and of a plot to destroy Serenno. Obi-Wan asks for Mace Windu's assisstance. They attempt to arrest these alleged terrorists, and end up battling Darth Maul and his two female operatives. The female agents are revealed to be Padme Amidala and her sister Sola Naberrie from Grizmalt. 

In the ensuing fight, Padme is killed. Darth Maul and Sola escape, and the Jedi are left to chase and stop the planned terror attack. 

In the epilogue, we see Anakin, distraught. "This wasnt supposed to happen". A voice offscreen tells him they have the technology to clone. 

REVENGE of the SITH

Darth Maul, and Sola are confronted by Mace Windu, and Obi Wan Kenobi. However, Sola escapes, leaving Darth Maul to fight the two Jedi alone. The Jedi understand Maul to be Sith, an offshoot of the Jedi Order obsessed with the Dark Side and thought to have been outlawed and eradicated. Before Maul is seemingly killed, he reveals there are Sith in the Senate, and he is but one of 4. 

Meanwhile, Skywalker confronts Dooku. The Count is surprised the Sith have gone back on their deal. Dooku exposes the pact made between him and the Sith lords. They planned the economic recession, the war, the assassinations, everything to spark a coup disguised as legitimate procedure to defend the Republic. Dooku and his allies in the Senate would benefit from lucrative defense contracts previously banned by Republic law, and the Sith would gain power as Prime Senators for life. Skywalker tells Dooku the Sith had no intention of sharing power and wealth. Skywalker kills him.

Sola ignites the city, destroying it and polluting the planet. She escapes to rendezvous with Anakin. 

The Jedi also escape and split up. Mace Windu takes two other Jedi Knights to share with Dictator Palpatine what they've learned about the Sith presence in the Senate, as news of the tragedy on Serenno reaches Corsucant. Meanwhile Obi-Wan Kenobi goes to confront Skywalker about his betrayal and arrest him. 

While Obi-Wan fights Skywalker, Anakin reveals why he turned to the darkside. He could never understand why the Order had to be celibate, and renounce all wealth and power. His new Master, Darth Sidious showed him the kinds of wealth and power he can obtain while building a life and family with Padme that the Jedi refused to allow him. But now Padme is dead, and all he wants is revenge. Obi-Wan presses Skywalker about the identity of Darth Sidious, but he doesnt give up Palpatine. Obi-Wan incorrectly guesses Jar Jar Binks is the Sith Master. 

As Obi-Wan defeats Skywalker, cutting off his arm and leaving him to die in the fires of Mustafar, Mace Windu arrives in Coruscant. He intends to meet with Palpatine and the Economic Council, made up of the heads of the most powerful trade organizations in the galaxy. However, he is stopped by Senator Jar Jar Binks, revealed as the Sith Lord, Darth Tyranus, for the first time. Windu and the other 2 Jedi fight Jar Jar Binks. The Sith Lord manages to kill the other Jedi, but is overmatched by Mace Windu. Mace Windu defeats Darth Tyranus, but doesnt kill him. 

Palpatine watches this all happen, a spectator this whole time. As Darth Tyranus is defeated, Sola enters and stands with Palpatine. Mace Windu recognizes Sola from their encounter in Serrano as Palpatine turns on him, revealing himself to be the Sith Master, Darth Sidious. Darth Maul, Darth Tyranus, and Anakin were his apprentices. Dooku was only a manipulative pawn, "much like the Jedi Order itself". On a television screen to the side, a news broadcast shows a few Senators including Mithh at a press conference, revealing the Jedi Order are behind the deadly attack on Serenno, and Count Dooku has been murdered by Jedi operatives. 

At the same time, the group of Apprentices trained by Anakin, turn on unsuspecting fellow Jedi, with the help of a small group of Mandalorian mercenaries led by Gar Saxon. Anakin and Palpatine have been poisoning these young Jedi, turning them to the Dark Side in secret. Dozens are killed, and the temple is burned down. This attack begins the Jedi Betrayal, which will culminate in the Jedi Purge, years later completed by Darth Vader and Gar Saxon. Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn and a small group of other Jedi are cornered. The group fights back, but are overwhelmed. Qui-Gon Jinn falls, sacrificing himself so Yoda and the rest of the group can escape. He vanishes in a pile of clothing (obviously). Yoda's group flees and contacts several Jedi operating off planet, including Obi-Wan. Dozens go into hiding. 

Palpatine is able to overcome Mace Windu, with the help of Sola, killing him. 

Anakin's apprentices rescue him from Mustafar and bring him back to Palpatine, to be rechristened Darth Vader. Palpatine casts the Jedi purge as the necessary response to their treachery, blaming the Jedi Order for inviting the Tof to start with. When the Tof invasion failed, he says, the Jedi destroyed Seranno, and killed Dooku in retaliation. In addition, Palpatine says, they attempted to do the same to Naboo and Grizmalt, and attempted to assassinate himself and Jar Jar Binks, but luckily they failed. 

He then declares himself Dictator for Life and shuts himself away with his consort. Jar Jar Binks, and Wilhuff Tarkin expand the war and press into Tor space, unveiling new military, including Star Destroyers, Tie Fighters, marching storm troopers, and even a glimpse at plans for a Death Star. 

At the very end, we see doctors at Vader's bedside, he is expected to make a full recovering, including some modifications. The cloning process, he is told, was successful. The doctor moves away and the Padme clone is revealed behind him. 

In an epilogue, we see a new cabal of characters uniting to rebel against this new Empire, including Bail Organa, Mon Mothma, Ackbar, Obi-Wan Kenobi, some wookies, bothans, and others. Of course, R2D2 and C3PO will be there. I want to include Owen Lars here too, maybe. See below for details. 

Afterward

You see... this plot sets up a more believable government in jeopardy. Because things like the Rule of Two don't exist, we can have a cabal of Sith Lords working together to create chaos and gain control. Because we have internal threats (failed economies) and external threats (outside pressures), the threat to eternal peace doesn't seem far fetched. We get a Space Western with Magic Space Samurai and Space Diplomatic Intrigue. We are actually getting a real Star War!

This scenario sets up Tarkin as an antagonist in A New Hope, sets up a good reason for the destruction of Mandalore (they deserted the Republic Navy), makes Darth Maul's resurgence in Solo more believable (he doesn't get cut in half). It also shows the potential for a Palpatine bloodline, which seemed to come out of nowhere in Episode 9. Also, the prototype planet destroyer, seen in Rogue One, will be seen in an even more protoypical stage as it rips through Serenna. 

And... Jar Jar Binks is a dangerous Sith Lord instead of a bumbling, borderline racist stereotype. This sets up a potential future rivalry between Darth Tyranus and Darth Vader, as they both survive the prequels as Sith lords. But, by the time we get to a New Hope, only Vader remains. So, something needs to happen to resolve this. Plenty of fodder for a film or series that takes place between episodes 3 and 4, or even between 3 and Rogue One. 

There will be a foundation for the kinds of rotten Capitalism shown in Episode 8. Fascist takeovers like described here can only be successful when the Upper Class either is in cahoots, or does nothing. In this case, Jar Jar Binks, Dooku, and Tarkin have all been working behind the scenes to make deals with the people who will become Palpatine's Ministers, and Grand Moffs. Speaking of Grand Moffs, introducing a Chiss character helps set up for Thrawn in the future AND gives an easter egg to some crazy fans. 

It also gives Vader purpose. He needs to seek and destroy the Jedi and introduces his group of accolades (his Jedi apprentice Strike Force) who will be known as something like the Sith Inquisitors, or the Emperor's Hands, or the Knights of the Sith, which then makes the Knights of Ren more understandable, if Kilo Ren intends to reproduce Vader's legacy. 

In addition, we don't get a huge spoiler by knowing who Luke and Leia are at the end of the 3rd Episode, thereby ruining the surprises in Empire and Jedi. Nor do we have to wrestle with the Prequels' weird Padme/Anakin relationship. She is no longer 10 years older than he is, or a virtuous protagonist. 

Padme doesn't really die. I mean, she dies, which helps toss Anakin completely into the Dark Side. But... clones. We can bring her back. This also means Luke and Leia don't have to be born immediately. The Empire can exist for more than 18 to 20 years before the 2nd Death Star is blown up. We don't have to wonder why Obi-Wan Kenobi looks 30 something in Revenge of the Sith, and 70 in A New Hope, when he should only be in his early 50s. 

Also, it allows for a movie or tv show about how Vader's twins end up kidnapped and separated. I imagine its probably an assassination attempt on Vader himself, but he's out of town, and Padme becomes the target instead. The Rebel assassins didn't plan for twin babies, and so they take them with. Or... something similar. Bail Organa takes Leia to Alderaan. Owen Lars, one of the rebel assassins, takes Luke to Tatooine, where he will retire to be a moisture farmer, disillusioned by his experiences in the Rebellion. He hopes raising this kid will atone for some of the terrible things he has done. Also, Owen Lars's history in the resistance would explain why he has such a disdain and dismissal of Obi-wan, who also exiled himself to Tatooine. Their relationship, or lack of one could also be explored in another adjacent film or tv show. 

This scenario also allows Rey to mirror Luke and Leia as products of their upbringing, as opposed to slaves of their bloodlines. Even though Luke and Leia and Rey have evil, Fascist parents, they turn out to be virtuous defenders of the Light Side, by being raised outside of those families. 

And, the best part, no Anakin as a child. Unnecessary. No mommy issues, no ties to Tatooine. No speed racer scenes. No midichlorian Force algae causing an immaculate conception. Oh, and no building a droid by hand who becomes an important main character in future movies and never mentions it once. 

There. I fixed it.  

Age of Corona: Movie Edition

The Hot Zone said this would happen

This pandemic has us all inside, with our televisions and take out. Joke's on it, we've been practicing for this for decades! What do we watch? Well, movies about how much worse it could be, or maybe a preview into our futures couldn't hurt, right? I'm talking about post apocalypse films. We all love 'em, and we've been making them since the the beginning of film. Everyone knows the Hunger Games, and Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Dead, and Mad Max franchises. Those are the easy, most recognizable ones. Here's a bunch of other good ones probably lost in the shuffle.

After a robot-led mass extinction, nine dolls given sentience struggle to bring life back to a desolated earth. Not only is this post apocalypse, but also an alternate time-line story. Written and directed by Shane Acker, it was released in 2009.

Technically taking place in a post apocalyptic society that turned Manhattan into a penal colony, the plot is a basic escape and survive story. The basic premise is also used in the Batman Arkham City videogame. Released in 1981, written and directed by John Carpenter, this one has a real classic '80s action film feel and deserves its cult following.

Most post apocalypse stories explain the current state of the world as being due to nuclear war, zombies, disease, or robot overlords. Snowpiercer's endtimes catalyst is climate change. The film addresses social status systems even in times of crisis. Directed by Boon Joon-ho, also the director of Parasite, this one should be a new classic in the genre. Plus Captain America is the star. 

Another cult classic apparently in a long list of post apocalyptic themed cult films, this one was adapted from the 1988 indie comicbook of the same name by Alan Martin and James Hewlett. Tank Girl is exactly as advertised. Its about a girl, who owns a tank. The plot diverges from the comic, leaving out important characters like Booga the Kangaroo. The film should be experienced if only for the set design, style, and music. There are plans for a reboot/remake to be released in the next few years starring Margo Robbie, probably. 

Speaking of remakes, and stuff based on indie comicbooks, this movie is chronically underrated. The original Judge Dredd, starring Rambo, flopped in 1995. This film did better, and unlike its predecessor, it has the creator's approval. Comic writer John Wagner said it was "unlike the first film, a true representation of Judge Dredd [...] The character and storyline are pure Dredd". This storyline takes place after nuclear war, and the remaining world population lives within giant city sprawls called Mega-cities. Law and order are carried out by the Judge System, which uses Wild West Sheriff-style Judges that act as police, judge, jury, and executioner. This movie got the Judge Dredd character correct, and deserves a sequel that wont ever happen. 

Because I haven't featured a zombie film yet, here's this one. I'm a huge fan of horror-comedy. Since I saw Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein when I was a kid, this genre has been one of my favorites. Zombieland may be one of the best horror comedy films out there. Shaun of the Dead is very good too, but it isnt exactly a post-apocalypse film. That movie is about Shaun and his friends experiencing the apocalypse as it unfolds. Zombieland, in comparison, is about what happens to survivors after the monster making pandemic has hit its stride. We get to see the characters adapt to new life, and trying to solve problems like what to do about a twinkie craving in the midst of a food shortage. 

I saved the bestest for the lastest. 

Not only is this film a retro sci-fi masterpiece, its also an over the top action film, and a feel good story about friends. Set in the mid '90s in an alternate timeline where, presumably, the world ended in robot perpetuated nuclear holocaust, a teenager meets new friends and fights a despot hoarding water resources. Also, there is a power glove. Also it's a Canadian film, eh. 

Can a DC Movie Universe be Successful?

Obviously from prior posts I'm a bit of a comics nerd. I adore storytelling, and the medium of comics lends to storytelling very well. They are the new pulp fiction, the new serial, the new short story; published monthly, and later collected and published in larger volumes. Lately, comics have become fodder for other mediums. We get to watch comics unfold on both the big and small screens, live action and animated. It's awesome.

Of the top 5 comics publishing companies, Marvel and DC have the biggest stakes in licensing material for non-print media, and Marvel has been crushing it with their massively popular shared movie/television universe. I've seen everything they've produced (except Agents of Shield and the Inhumans because I watch good television) and they're stuff is fantastic.

However, I am, and have always been a DC guy. 

Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and a plethora of larger than life heroes, several decades older, at times darker and more philosophical than Marvel. They always seemed to me, since I started reading comics, to be more grown up. There are clear analogies to Neitzsche, and Machiavelli in the three major characters. I agree with Laurence Maslon and Dr. Kate Roddy when they claim superheroes are our new mythologies. DC characters specifically fit into the classic myth versions of heroes. They are kings, and princesses, and aristocrats, rich one-percenters with money, and education, and privilege who go through journeys and defeat monsters in order to save the general public. It is a shame Warner Brothers, the DC parent company, is so bad at storytelling.

pulp fiction mythologies

This seems to be the real success with Marvel's shared universe. They write good stories first, and then tie them together. They took their time with the project, a whole decade to make films, and thread commonalities between them. They made good casting decisions, allowed writers and creators to create good plots and interactions for the characters, and never appeared to try to do too much in any one film (except maybe Civil War and Infinity War).

living large

The Cosmonaut Variety Hour put it this way: while Warner Brothers and DC were busy trying to make movies based on a few already existing plots from the comics, Marvel allowed writers with a knowledge of the entire canon to create new stories and plots based on story and character elements. Most of the time the Marvel movie writers get it right, like in Iron Man, and the Avengers, but sometimes we got Iron Man 3. Meanwhile, DC is the complete opposite, creating movies like Justice League, Suicide Squad and Batman vs Superman which were colossal messes, but sometimes they make Wonder Woman just to give us fans a little hope. 

The problem seems to be Warner Brothers' decision to do what Marvel did, build a shared cinematic universe. Instead of doing it in the logical way of gradually introducing heroes in their own stand alone films and then connecting them all for a blockbuster crossover event, they decided to do it backwards and introduce all their characters in one blockbuster movie and then break off into solo films. Why would you decide to do that? The only reason I can think of is just to be different, I guess. Overloading one movie with so many major characters makes for a bad movie, and the reason we never had an Avengers or Justice League movie decades ago. Marvel's plan was a huge gamble based on contemporary movie making thinking.

The good news is DC did manage to build a pretty decent television universe on the CW network. The only thing seeming to hold it back from being Marvel-sized is the inability to use Batman, Superman or Wonder Woman on the live-action small screen. I have no idea what the rationale for this decision/rule but everyone would love to see an Arrowverse Batman.

My solution for DC/Warner Brothers... Continue your movie franchise, as it does make money, but put all your effort into television. Comics and television are a natural fit. Comics are serialized issue by issue with large story arcs playing out over several issues. Television is serialized episode by episode, with large story arcs playing out over a season. Bring in Batman and Superman, and Wonder Woman! Give people what they want, not a show like Gotham which is Batman without Batman, or Smallville which is Clark Kent before he becomes Superman, but not really, or whatever Lois and Clark was (literally no one asked for these shows, stop trying to be clever and just do the show we want). Also, Wonder Woman? Can we get a follow up to the 1970s show, please?

Just give them what they want!

DC is actually really good at their animated television shows, it cant be that difficult to do live action. In fact, Marvel has already proved quality television can be done in short miniseries with the Defenders franchise of shows. 

New Ideas for an Old Franchise: Indiana Jones Edition

There have been many who have realized the corporate culture of movie making has ruined film. The tendency for capitalism to double down on a great success in order to continue to make profits has led the movie industry to continue to produce terrible sequels and reboots (followed by more sequels) of existing series and franchises instead of creating anything new.

This has been well documented by Ethan Anderton from First Showing, and by Andrew Allen from Shortoftheweek who both use the same infographic from Box Office Mojo. The guys at Cracked have also weighed in, like they often do, with 5 reasons. If you type in phrases like "Hollywood unoriginal", or "no new ideas from Hollywood" into google, there is a wealth of similar articles, tweets, blogposts, and commentary about this problem. We've also known about it for quite some time, most of these articles are 5 or more years old.

However, There are some franchises that I think we can all agree should never stop. James Bond is a great example, no matter who plays the characters, or what evil villain Bond is stopping, those movies are super fun, and never a bad time. If Disney were to remake those awful Star Wars prequels (pleeeease, pretty pretty please, make them not suck), I'd be the first in line to buy a ticket.

Also, on this list, is Indiana Jones. Now, I know Harrison Ford is super old, but so is Sean Connery, and that didn't stop the Broccoli's from making 24 films with 6 different actors. Like James Bond, Indiana Jones could potentially be played by anyone. Knowing this, I propose an idea for Disney and LucasFilm.

The mystical and cryptoarchaeological (is that a word?) themes of Indiana Jones is what makes the franchise, I think, so attractive. Aside from Harrison Ford's portrayal of the hero, the quests for macguffins based on legendary artifacts turn the plots of these movies into high stakes scavenger hunts full of far-away, secretive places, borderline illegal hijinx, and sinister competition and doublecross.

I would like to see Indiana Jones tackle the fiction of H.P. Lovecraft. 

Think about this: In my opinion, the most successful Indiana Jones films are Raiders and Last Crusade, both dealing with biblical artifacts. The mythology of apocryphal Abrahamic religions, the power imbued into seemingly worthless artifacts, surrounded in archaic mystery, unlocking ancient powers, but without relying on extraterrestrial origins made these movies special. Why not the Cthulhu mythos?

To my knowledge there hasn't been a successful adaptation of anything Lovecraftian. There sure have been plenty of science fiction/horror stories that are heavily influenced by the Cthulhu mythos, like Hellboy and Batman, Scooby Doo, Supernatural, X-Files, South Park, Rick and Morty, The Ghostbusters, True Detective, Evil Dead, and many others. But not yet have we seen a major motion picture explore the horror suspense created by Lovecraft, culminating in a situation where "top men" had to bury the evidence.

Just put it in a box, between the ark of the covenant and Jimmy Hoffa

Imagine Indiana Jones, searching for some kind of artifact... the Necromonicon perhaps, or eltdown shards, or g'harne fragments. Along the way he visits Arkham, Commoriom, The Nameless City, runs into the Black Brotherhood, the King in Yellow, The Great Race of Yith perhaps, and ultimately stops the awakening of Cthulhu.

I think there is great potential for this mashup. And, well, if Indiana Jones doesn't work out, I'm sure the Tomb Raider camp could take a crack at it.

Someone with Photoshop has the same idea

The Chocolate Covered Descent into Hell

I like to waste my time reading articles from sites like Cracked, or The Chive that have headlines like "Top Ten Useless Things from Stupid Crap That You Argue About in Bars with Casual Friends". I like these posts mostly because I like neat convenient lists of things, and also because a lot of that nonsense is stuff that I already think about, and it's nice to see other people's perspectives and then wonder how they can be so wrong about everything.

Recently, I read Fan Theories that will Make These Movies even Freakier on The Chive. The link is on the banner below. The premise of the post was the fan communities for these various films had these radical ideas about what the movies were really about that made them better/scarier/weirder? The poster was absolutely right about most of them being freaky. The Kevin McCallister is Jigsaw theory is my favorite.

But Home Alone/Saw mashups is not what I'm writing about today. Explore that mindfuck on your own time. I really want to get at this Roald Dahl/Dante collaboration. It is on the list above, but it doesn't really fit into the Fan Theory part of the post, as it may be intentional.

I did a few searches for anything on the internet to corroborate this idea, but there isn't anything from official Roald Dahl sources, and nothing on fan sites or articles about the fan theory really delves into the source material on more than superficial levels. I also couldn't find anything linking the original book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to the Divine Comedy. It is all about the film. So... here is a look at the comparisons of the Divine Comedy by Dante, and the actual Charlie and the Chocolate Factory written by Roald Dahl.

mmm stuck in all that frozen chocolate!

The Divine Comedy, if you didn't know, follows the 14th century (AD) Italian author Dante, and his spectral buddy Virgil (the actual 1st century BC Roman poet who wrote the Aeneid) as he climbs down into Hell, and then back up through Purgatory and into Heaven. The work is in three parts, the Inferno, which people are most familiar, the Purgatorio, and the Paradiso. For this discussion, Inferno is really the only important thing. Here are the basic important stuff we need to glean from the Inferno:

• Dante outlines Hell in a way and with such detail as no one else before had done, and influenced the way people thought about Hell ever since. The sign outside the door that says "Abandon Hope all Ye Who Enter Here" is Dante.
• Hell is designed in tiers, or levels that descend deeper and deeper. Dante specified 9 Circles of Hell divided into 3 distinct parts that coincided with certain types of sins. The first few levels of Lust, Gluttony, and Greed are considered the levels of incontinence, sins of the flesh. These levels culminate in the City of Dis, the city of anger. The 6th Circle, for Heresy, begins the circles of Violence. Level 7 is divided into 3 rings for Violence. Violence toward Others, Violence to Yourself, and Violence to God/Nature are separated out. Finally the 8th and 9th circles are all about Fraud and Treachery. At the very bottom of Hell, in the deepest part of the 9th circle is Satan, Lucifer the Light Bringer, the greatest traitor of all.
• Dante doesn't go through hell alone. He is guided by Virgil, a classic writer who has been dead for 1400 years.
• Souls in each circle of Hell are beset upon by various demons meant to pay them back for their specific sins. For example, Gluttons are attacked by Cerberus, Harpies and Centaurs go after the Violent, horned demons persecute the Frauds.

and over there are the flaming caskets for the unruly kids...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was written by Roald Dahl and published by Alfred Knopf Inc in 1964. It was followed up by a film in 1971 starring the late great Gene Wilder (pictured above), directed by Mel Stuart. Basically, the plot involves a boy, Charlie, who wins a chance to tour a famous chocolate factory with four other lucky winners and their parents. The factory is owned by infamous recluse Willie Wonka who guides the tour with the hope of finding an heir to his business in the process. One by one, each candidate falls prey to their idiosyncrasies and gets kicked off the tour, leaving Charlie as the last survivor. Sounds promising so far. Here are some important things about this book:

• The factory is divided into rooms. Each room has a different theme, and a different tourist does something stupid in each room and gets kicked out.
• The factory is run by oompa loompas, little orange men from another "country". They also have to clean up after each tourist screws up, and are involved in escorting them out of the factory in one piece.
• Each contestant/tourist/winner has a foible, a personality flaw that then leads to that character's downfall. For example, Veruca Salt is a self entitled brat, and her greed leads her to attempt to take one of the highly trained counting squirrels in the Nut Room. She ends up throw down the garbage chute.
• There are 5 children who go through the tour, with their 5 chaperone parents. They seem to correspond to a few of the 7 Deadly Sins. These characters are:
1. Charlie Bucket. Charlie is obviously Dante in this scenario. He is praised at the end for refusing to indulge in vice.
2. Augustus Gloop, the fat kid. Gluttony, naturally
3. Violet Beauregard. Pride.
4. Veruca Salt. Greed. She's essentially a high-class, snobby garbage person.
5. Mike Teavee. Sloth. His obsession with television keeps him from doing anything else.

Aside from the obvious themes of Cause and Effect, Sin and Consequence, and paying for your poor behavior, there is a case to be made that Roald Dahl set out to create a Dante's Inferno fable for children from the beginning. There are different rooms, like the different circles, where a different child ends up failing. There are inhuman oompa loompas that live there and "aid" the tormented, much like the demons. Wonka acts like Virgil, leading the group through. Charlie, like Dante, observing everything without fully participating in the madness.

Despite all of this I wasn't completely convinced of this theory. There being no direct correlation to Dahl characters and Dante's 9 circles being a huge hole. There are only 5 child tourists after all. If Wonka is Virgil, and Charlie is Dante, that means the other 4 kids have to be metaphors for sinners in 9 different circles? The characters don't really match up to sins from Dante anyway. Where is the angry kid? the lustful one? the scheming fraudster? It doesn't add up. 

However, I then read about extra characters and chapters left out of the original publication. There were a few things left out and rewritten by Dahl as suggested by the publishing company. There apparently were plans for 10 Golden Tickets for 10 contestants/tourists originally, which would correspond to the 9 Circles of Hell, plus one ticket for Dante/Charlie.

There are also a few missing chapters published from earlier drafts. Spotty Powder, The Vanilla Fudge Room, and Warming Candy Room, all feature extra characters. These chapters did not go through extra edits, and some of the character elements pop up in other characters.

• Miranda Piker is a strict no-nonsense, "humorless" school girl, daughter of a Headmaster. She goes on an angry, violent tirade to try and sabotage Spotty Powder, a sugary substance that briefly makes the eater break out in hives, so they can fake being sick and skip school. She would undoubtedly be the sin of Anger, and probably fill the Circle of Anger, and/or the Circle of Violence.  
• The Warming Candy Room is about 3 characters Clarence Clump, Bertie Upside, and Terence Roper who eat an excessive amount of warming candies, which heat people up from the inside, so they can be out in cold weather and still be nice and warm. Eating too many of course, ends in them having to end the tour in a cold room. This may have been an early attempt to fit the Sin of Lust into a kids' book without having to talk about sex. Getting "worked up and over-heated", and then having to spend time "cooling off" sound like dirty metaphors to me.

These are only the missing chapters and early drafts that have been found to survive, but they certainly give an insight into how the process changed. Who knows what other plans Dahl had in mind.

Lastly there is a character mentioned briefly in the book. Arthur Slugworth is a past adversary to Willie Wonka. He is another rival candy maker. Slugworth is responsible for Wonka's public disappearance due to corporate espionage that allowed Slugworth to steal and copy Wonka's ideas. If Dahl had originally started out to do a direct homage to Dante, then Slugworth would be the ultimate villain. The bottom of Hell is reserved for Fraud and Treachery, and Slugworth certainly fits that bill. Slugworth, though, becomes a passing thought, a distant memory to fill in the plot hole of why this factory had been shuttered for so long, enshrined in secrecy.

Ultimately, though, I think upon further investigation, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory can not be linked directly to Dante's Inferno. There is too much missing, and too much would need to be stretched to fit. However, I do think that perhaps Dahl had meant to write his book this way, but through rewrites and issues with the publisher, settled for a fable of children meeting consequences for behaving poorly instead of a masterful homage to a great literary work. 

Also to help destroy this otherwise awesome theory that I wish were true: apparently Dahl had originally planned for 3 books about Charlie and Willie Wonka. 3 books to coincide with the 3 parts of the Divine Comedy, right? But the Great Glass Elevator, which follows the Chocolate Factory story has nothing to do with an ascent through Purgatory. It has to do with space and nasty aliens, and the White House, and all sorts of weirdness. So, nevermind. 

Friendly Neighborhood Debate: Best Villains Ever?

Recently, a friend of mine, also with a silly little blog, wrote a post about the Definitive Top 10 Fictional Villains of Pretty Much Everything (in my Opinion). You can go over to Wordpress and read from the Waiting in Suspencer blog right now if you choose. I don't usually do this, but here is my rebuttal, because quite frankly, I enjoy a good debate and comparisons of fictional characters is enjoyable.

The Rules:

• One villain only from any one franchise. For example, even though He-man and the Masters of the Universe has several villains to choose from, you have to pick only one from that franchise.
• Anti-Heroes don't count. In the words of the Suspencer, "If you're going to be bad, be bad". So, none of this Catwoman, Venom, Man with No Name flipfloppy bullshit.
• Villains are pulled from all fictional mediums, right? So, film, comics, literature, they all count as long as it's fictional. So, Hitler, even though he pops up in all mediums and even things like Castle Wolfenstein and Danger 5 where he barely resembles actual historic Hitler, doesn't count. That would be too easy.

Alternative Facts

Starting from the bottom, without further ado, here is my rebuttal to the Top Ten Fictional Villains of Pretty Much Everything. I'll start at the bottom with number 10.

TEN: Darth Vader

Anakin "Darth Vader" Skywalker, the man Hooper X once called the "Blackest Brother in the Galaxy", starts off the list on the bottom. I agree with my friend here. If Disney decides to uncannonize the prequels and redo them, Vader may rise through the list. But as it stands now, knowing it didn't take much aside from jealous love to turn him to the Dark Side makes him kind of pathetic. Vader may border on the Anti-Hero, which, according to the rules, puts him out of contention anyway.

There are some problems with Vader's evilness that I still don't understand. He is a towering presence, "more machine than man" with telekinetic abilities. Why are Imperial generals so quick to dismiss him? True they get force-choked into submission, but seriously, at the time of A New Hope, he surely has the reputation as the dude in charge that you don't fuck with. All that time of being terrifying and your subordinates still don't respect and fear you?

Also, technically, he isn't even the real main antagonist in the entire story. Palpatine, Darth Sidious, is the driving force behind all the evil in the universe, supposedly. He is a master manipulator and is able to turn and control one of the most force sensitive people in the universe, and use him as a weapon. We'll get to characters like Palpatine later though. For now, being subservient gets Vader moved to the  back of the bus.

NINE: HIM

Yes, that is a transgendered clown looking dude with crab pincers for hands. And yes, it is a villain from the cartoon the Powerpuff Girls. Shut up, and let me explain. This particular villain is really the only character the Powerpuff Girls actually fear. He is called "so sinister, so evil, so scary, so horribly vile that even the utterance of his name strikes fear in the hearts of men". Not bad for a red skinned dude in a tutu and heels. He is some kind of demon, perhaps THE demon. Negative feelings, like those that give Vader the power of the Dark Side, also empower Him. Like the Hulk, more negative feelings mean stronger powers. He can possess children's toys and speak through them, which is all sorts of horror movie creepy. Also telekinetic. Also can raise people from the dead. Also controls monsters.

This particular villain is so out of place on this show. It's a cartoon made for kids starring 3 super powered child heroes. The other villains are a green monkey with a giant brain, a pink fuzzy big foot thief, and a stuck-up rich girl princess. The Lord of Darkness kind of stands apart from the usual suspects on this show. It would be like if Vader suddenly turned up on an episode of My Little Pony.

The reason HIM is on this list is because he is truly terrifying in an otherwise silly kids show. Maya Angelou once said people forget what you say, but never forget how you make them feel. And that is why HIM is scary. Laura Duca from the HuffPost wrote that Him is "the most terrifying villain to ever take a bath on the small screen", so bad that we forget he is probably the "first plausible transgendered character" on television.

MW Bychowski explained HIM being so terrifying because of this inability to sort him out into a normative category. She writes, "Terror as well as wonder can be created by making bodies illegible to our frameworks of understanding". The dragqueen makes for a wonderful visual of terror.

EIGHT: Cruella De Vil

I know, at first this doesn't appear to be that terrible of an evil villain. But just like HIM, let me explain. Firstly, the character is not just the Disney portrayed witch with a demented fur fetish who looks like Skeletor's mom. She's originally from the book by Dodie Smith, and like all Disney properties, she's way way worse. She is an heiress to a modest family fortune, treats people as beneath her, and kidnaps puppies in order to skin them and make a coat. She needs the puppy fur, you see, because if they get older, dog hair becomes too coarse to make comfy coats. Also, she has a Siamese cat that she detests, but keeps it because it's valuable. But every time the cat has kittens, the litter gets drowned... so they aren't that valuable, I guess.

She makes the list for living up to her namesake. Cruelty for the sake of beauty and vanity makes her pretty much a garbage person. The fact that she is willing to destroy life not only for the sake of her own material desires, but also because those lives are inconvenient makes her a monster. Up until now our villains take lives for specific reasons, this woman does it for seemingly no reason at all except convenience.

SEVEN: Ernst Stavro Blofeld

From the mind of Ian Flemming comes a character who became a trope. As far as evil dudes go, Blofeld is pretty much your average super villain. He is the head of a worldwide criminal/terrorist organization which has its fingers in racketeering, espionage, grand theft, blackmail, murder, and of course world domination. The arch villain mastermind look, the middle aged, bald white dude with facial scars, and a pet white cat has become the defacto supervillain, used in Inspector Gadget, Austin Powers, and Pokémon, among others.

SIX: Bill Sikes

The bottom half of this list is rounded out by Charles Dickens's character from the wonderful world of the London underground in mid 1800s. Oliver Twist, the protagonist of the novel of the same name, is an orphan who gets introduced to and mixed up in the grimy criminal underground of London by Fagin. Fagin is a nasty dude who trains homeless boys as pickpockets, and he is pretty despicable. But Bill Sikes is a monster that even Fagin fears.

On the list this high purely for his savagery, Bill Sikes's story goes like this: presumably he was once one of Fagin's pickpockets, but now a grown man, he's become a burglar, breaking and entering. The man is described as a rough, barbaric man, aggressive and violent. He is the epitome of domestic abuse. He beats his girlfriend Nancy to death after believing she snitched on him. In the end, he hangs himself trying to escape from an angry mob.

While not sounding like a villain that should surpass Vader, or HIM, or even Cruella De Vil, the capacity for this man to murder, in the way that Dickens describes, tops even the cat drowner. He is an uncontrollable, amoral force of brutality. Sikes is the prototype for every muscle bound monster full of rage. He is an unremorseful, angry, unpredictable son of a bitch. And that is why he's up so high.Sikes is the realistic Jekyl and Hyde, only there is no Dr. Jekyl.

FIVE: Kurtz

I think, as a species, one of the most terrifying things is the thought of madness. And Kurtz, from Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, embodies madness. The story, in a nutshell, is about an ivory trader settled in the heart of the Congo, in Africa. The man suffers from delusions of grandeur, convinces the local population to deify him, worship him. Madness overtakes him.

Kurtz embodies Imperialism, and all the white burden atrocities associated with Colonialism. He is Columbus. He is the Triangle Trade. The partitioning of India, Apartheid, the Trail of Tears, he is all these things. He is the prototype for every villain who blurs the lines of sanity in order to fulfill ambition. Anyone who feels entitled to build success on the backs of other "inferior brutes".

Insanity, I think, is part of every good dark villainous character. The idea that a person can be betrayed by their own mind is frightening, and the best villains seem to be the ones that are no longer playing with a full deck of cards. Madness is a central theme in R Scott Bakker's novels. Sanity is debated in Alice in Wonderland. The best villains in A Song of Ice and Fire fall into madness. The Joker, the best villain in the comic book medium, is built around the idea of insanity. Kurts is a great exercise in mental fragility and what that can mean to a society.

FOUR: Hannibal Lector

Speaking of crazy people... Hannibal Lector comes in a number four. Fear is a major theme to my list, and Hannibal is one scary guy. Hannibal has been called the King of Hollywood Psychopaths. Samuel Leistedt, a forensic psychiatrist, lists "high intelligence, a vain cat-like demeanor, a prestigious career, a calm always in control attitude, and an unrealistic exceptional skill at killing people" as traits, a list of traits probably not found amongst your normal, average psychopath. In fact, Leistedt doesn't believe this sort of "elite psychopath" can truly exist and actually be a real psychopath in the clinical sense. This is probably why, in Red Dragon, they make it very clear he doesn't fit any known psychological profile.

Hannibal is a cannibal. The name rhymes. It's cute. William Arens wrote that charges of cannibalism by one society to another is a way to discredit the other society as inferior and set up a perception of cultural inferiority. Mythogical folklore also establishes cannibalism as taboo, often changing the cannibal into an actual monster, like the Algonquian wendigo, or the Arabic ghoul. In Germanic mythology, witches are said to eat people as well. Basically, in most cultures, eating another human being is probably the worst thing you can do.

Hannibal is something out of a true nightmare. He is highly intelligent, a psychiatrist and surgeon with an eidetic memory. He speaks 7 languages. Also he murders without hesitation, especially when he feels someone has been rude to him, or if they have poor manners. This is what makes him terrifying. He is smarter than you, quicker than you, stronger than you, and cares nothing for societal norms like "no killing", or "don't eat people". And he hides in plain sight, a sophisticated gentleman in a trustworthy white collar profession.

Hannibal has been the blueprint for every "elite psychopath" character created since. His traits have even leaked into newer portrayals of older characters like DC's Joker.

THREE: Iago

In my friend's original post on his own blog, he cited this character from a movie based on Shakespeare's Othello. This made no sense to me. If the character of Hugo from O is based on Iago from Othello, and the list is the best villains from all mediums, why not pick the source? A play is a fictional medium, so it isn't off limits. Anyway, Iago has become an archetype for villainy. Much like the other people on the list, he is so good at being evil, his traits get copied by everyone. Hugo from O is Iago, just in a different adaptation.

In case you aren't familiar, Iago is a masterful manipulator. During the play, he becomes angry when he doesn't get promoted by his boss, Othello. Othello promotes another dude, Cassio, instead. So, Iago decides to ruin everyone's lives. Not only does he get Cassio demoted, but then he makes it seem like Cassio and Othello's wife are having an affair, which leads to Othello killing her. Then Iago murders his accomplice, and the girl that reveals his plot. He does go to prison, but Othello commits suicide.

The Iago character, the trustworthy aide, the right hand man who turns into the treacherous unsuspected mastermind antagonist can be found everywhere in fiction. Every surprise double cross, every double agent, every seemingly humble friend hiding a vicious knife is a shade of Iago.

TWO: Professor James Moriarty

Probably the greatest of all the villains ever in fiction, Professor James Moriarty has become Sherlock Holmes's greatest and final foil. He is called the Napoleon of Crime. Like Iago, Moriarty is a master manipulator. But unlike Iago, he never actually commits any crimes. Moriarty is the head of an intricate crime ring, whose plots, designs, and leadership create sinister crimes. Moriarty is genius level smart, keeping himself from ever being implicated in his own schemes. Holmes states he is aloof from "general suspicion, so immune from criticism, so admirable in his management and self effacement" that even by being accused, says Holmes, he would sue and win and ruin your life legally.

If you took Iago, a malicious, conniving, backstabbing character beyond suspicion, and turn him from a jealous revenge schemer into a cold, calculating mob boss you would have Moriarty. Arthur Conan Doyle perfected the Iago archetype, and the only point of this creation was to kill off Sherlock Holmes. Moriarty influenced every white suited mobster criminal ever in fiction.

ONE: Sauron

Mythology and theology associated with it intrigue me. Which is why Star Wars appeals to me, as it is the mythology of the hero. JRR Tolkien created his own universe, complete with languages, mythologies and cultures. This creates a kind of depth that fantasy never had before. Sauron may seem like an obvious number one cop-out, but I can't think of another more well-rounded villain with this much depth, or influence.

Sauron is the primary antagonist of the Lord of the Rings. However, he never actually shows up in the novels, he is only a spirit in the form of a giant eye of fire atop a tower. The Eye of Sauron seems to have limited Omniscience, and is tied to the One Ring of Power.

The mythology of Middle Earth includes a parable for the existence of Evil, and Sauron plays a role. The Eru, the god-like being who creates everything, created the Ainur to help him with creation. One of the Ainur, called Melkor, turns bad and enters creation to corrupt it. Other Ainur also enter creation and become Valar (gods) and Maiar (wizards) in order to protect creation. One of these Maiar is known as Sauron. Melkor corrupts Sauron and makes him his Right Hand. Together they capture, torture and corrupt a band of elves, creating the first orcs.

So, there we have it. Definite parallels to Judeo-Christian mythos. The fallen archangel becomes the dark lord, creates demons and corrupts the innocent. Sauron actually seems to have influenced most of the other villains on this list, and some of the ones not on the list that maybe ought to be. For example:

Darth Vader. Corrupted by another greater evil. The Dark Lord of the Dark Lord, Vader carries out his master's bidding, much like Sauron carried out Melkor's bidding, until Melkor was cast out into the abyss.

Voldemort. Not only is Voldemort the Dark Lord that corrupts the wizarding world by championing the Dark Arts, but he imbues pieces of his soul into artifacts. The One Ring sure does sound like a horcrux to me. Also, Voldemort spends most of his time in those Harry Potter books trying to piece himself back together after having being incorporeal for decades.

Sauron has become the defacto archetype of the distant impending darkness. There are too many fanstasy/sci-fi stories that revolve around protagonists trying to keep antagonists from reintroducing some unfathomable ancient evil.

Sauron is the ultimate scheming, manipulating, behind the scenes planner. He is a giant eye ball on fire, and yet he can orchestrate the war to end the world.

Alternative Facts: Presidents' Edition

It is Presidents' Day! Happy Presidents' Day. It's a pretty useless holiday that borders very nearly on Nationalism. The fact that this country, founded on the principle that aristocracy and royalty shall no longer hold sway in a country built by and for all men, observes the birthday of our first and fifteenth presidents is pretty weird.

In honor of this weird tradition, and in honor of our newest president, The Marmalade Mussolini, #45, Comrade Trumpovich, I made a list of the best presidents we never had. My top five fictional presidents. These are the very best fake United States Presidents, which means good ole President Skroob, President Laura Roslin, and President Business aren't included.

President Merkin Muffley
35th President of the United States
film: Doctor Strangelove. Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
actor: Peter Sellers

To begin our list, I chose the Trumanesque, Adelai Stevenson sponsored naive Commander in Chief, Mr. President Muffley, our last president before the great nuclear holocaust of 1964, and named after the pubic wig, the greatest cosmetic invention ever! This honest, sincere, open diplomat, who, despite being completely unprepared, and with all the circumstances and luck going against him, almost stopped nuclear Armageddon. Still a better a president under stress than our real life #45, the Short Fingered Vulgarian.

President Francis J (Frank) Underwood
46th President of the United States
series: House of Cards
actor: Kevin Spacey

President Underwood is the second president, after Gerald Ford, to not be elected by the people of the United States, but appointed through a series of resignations and appointments. This man is a ruthless machiavellian psychopath, a master manipulator, and a killer. And yet, still better than the actual real life 45th president, the failed mail-order meat salesmen, we have now, in reality. At least this guy knows how the system works, what the job means, and how to get stuff done without looking like a Kindergartener.

President David Palmer
43rd President of the United States
series: 24
actor: Dennis Hayspert

Not only is President Palmer the first black president, a Democrat that ran on a platform of integrity and the welfare of the American People, he survived an assassination attempt before securing his party's nomination enroute to becoming president. This of course happened 4 years before Barack Obama won his Senate seat. President Palmer served for one term, opting out of re-election due to personal trauma, and clandestine anti-terrorism actions, as is the modis operandi for the show 24. And who could blame him? There are crazy terrorists with even crazier Bond-esque plots around every corner in the 24 universe. In fact, he did serve briefly as an advisor in the next administration, but was assassinated in what is probably the only ex-presidential assassination. Overall, a much better National Security president than our current Cheeto-dust Czar.

President James Marshall
42nd, or 43rd President of the United States
film: Air Force One
actor: Harrison Ford

Not much is known of this president's career, or platform, or anything really, except he has a military record (Medal of Honor recipient), doesn't negotiate with terrorists (except when he does) and can certainly hand down some beat downs when his Secret Service loses their grip. President Marshall makes the list simply for being the most manly president since Teddy Roosevelt. Certainly a tougher, more physical presence than our newly inaugurated Tangerine Tornado

President Josiah (Jed) Bartlet

42nd or 43rd President of the United States

series: West Wing

actor: Martin Sheen

Probably the most in-depth, realistically written fake president on the list (although I still don't understand the timeline. Why are the presidential elections held during mid-term election years?), President Jed Bartlet's administration is portrayed in a detail unlike any other in fake presidential history. The Right ridiculed his administration by calling it the Left Wing. But realistically, Bartlet was a great diplomat and negotiator, kept America safe from threats foreign and domestic, and was a champion of the American working class. The man knew his Constitution, knew his Bible, surrounded himself with experts to help him with things he wasn't strong in, like foreign policy, and defense, and had the courage to come clean about his uncertain health problems (he has MS). 

Mike Curry, the press secretary for real life president Bill Clinton said Bartlet was a patchwork of the perfect president combining "the compassion and integrity of Jimmy Carter... that shrewd decision-making and hard-nosed realism of a Richard Nixon... the warmth and amiability and the throw-the-arm-around-the-shoulder of a Bill Clinton; and... the liberal passion of a Kennedy". Basically the exact opposite of our current sitting Commander-in-Chief, Lord Fuck-face von Clownstick.