I have come to the conclusion that, while there are plenty of terrible bands out there, There seems to be one, every ten years or so, that rises to the top (or the bottom?) of the rubbish bin. Notorious because of inept, formulaic song writing, unearned brand recognition (the sell-out phenomenon), and stupid, childish antics taken way too serious, these bands transcend bad music, way past the point of satire.
Before I start listing the cream (or scum) off the top of the garbage heap, here are some honorable (dishonorable) mentions:
Van Halen: Yes I know, everyone over 40 just shit themselves. But think about this, without David Lee Roth, this band wouldn't be on this list. The guy is the number one clown of Rock music. Also, Eddie Van Halen is probably the most self centered douchebag in all of Guitar Town. Also also, they enabled so much terrible crap from a generation of copycat bands. I guess the fact that Eddie, specifically, influenced so many other good (better) guitar players later on keeps them from not deserving to be on this list after all.
Imagine Dragons: "Overproduced shlock" is how Kory Grow from Rolling Stone describes them. Which is pretty much a bullseye. I like to think of them as leading the charge in the second coming of disco. More on this later.
Five Finger Death Punch: How many times can a band write a song with a spoken word bridge gimmick? Apparently, every time. This band and its false tough guy bravado is why Metal is dying. They are the epitome of But Rock. (See Below).
Coldplay: A big theme here is going to be authenticity. No one likes a copycat. And while there is an argument to be made that all bands that fit into a genre, by definition, are fitting into a mold defined by the genre, this is different than attempting to be another band to the point of being indistinguishable. This is why people hate Greta Van Fleet, and why Stoned Temple Pilots and Creed received so much criticism in the 90s. Coldplay also gets criticism for trying to be Radiohead. Lately, they seem an awful lot like Maroon 5, which is weird, because Coldplay came first. In addition, the music itself is safe, boring, predictable.
The Eagles: I think this has more to do with the band's attitude, and the fact that the sum of the parts doesn't equal the greatest of these dudes when they do solo work. I love Joe Walsh, but Joe Walsh + The Eagles, while the best kind of Eagles, still sucks. I read articles about this Eagle-hating phenomenon, and adjectives like "wallpaper", and phrases like "easy listening elevator music" are used many times. While I think those are great descriptors, it comes down to the fact that they sound safe, boring, and predictable, like Coldplay, but from the 70s.
So, here we are, my list by decade, of the worst bands in history. Every decade has one. Starting from this decade, I present my theory:
The 20teens:
While Imagine Dragons, and AWOL Nation are pretty good choices, I found a better one.
21 Pilots.
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| "Ma! Where's my juice box!" |
Aaron Cooper of Bearded Gentlemen Music (its like hipster Pitchfork... if you can imagine an even more hipster Pitchfork) describes this band as appealing to "People who are too young to appreciate legitimate art regardless if they don’t understand it, or people who refuse to become functioning adults and have accepted the mediocrity of eating Taco Bell for dinner for the rest of their lives". They are heralded as experts in blending genres. I guess that is true, they do take synth EDM and blend it with Hip Hop (sort of) and try and throw in angsty teenage rock lyrics. But the resulting product is just what I like to call the new disco. It's mass produced pop garbage for clubs, if those clubs were exclusively for depressing goth kids.
I get it, this music isn't for me. It is targeted at a certain age group. But still, music for teenagers doesn't have to be filled with so many awful cliches, and overused themes. Kids deserve good music too. And, as an aside, these two dudes are way way past young adult status and are trying to pass off what they do as "art". There are plenty of good bands with substance whose songs appeal to teenagers. Good music is universally enjoyable.
The 2000s:
This one is an obvious choice.
Nickelback, for the win!
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| They couldn't look any more basic. Its a Band of Dads |
There has been plenty written about how Nickelback went from a relatively uninspiring pop rock band in a sea of other similarly sounding bands from this decade, into one of the most notorious and hated successful acts of all time. They spawned an entire generation of mediocre rock (Medio-core, as Fat Mike calls it) known as But Rock. The term comes from a mid-2000s rock radio station tag line "nothing
but rock".
While there are plenty of bands that are contemporary to Nickleback and published similarly terrible But Rock (3 Days Grace, Seether, Buck Cherry, Shinedown), the hate for Nickelback is summed up by Salli Antonin's title for her paper "Hypocritical Bullshit Performed Through Gritted Teeth". Her hypothesis revolves around how hatred stems not from the music itself, but from how the band creates the music, preferring to craft hit songs as a factory would turn out furniture, building things they know will sell based on genre sounds, instead of innovating or creating anything new. People can smell a phony, and Nickelback is as phony as they come. Also, they are incredibly arrogant about the whole thing. Chad Kroeger is perhaps the doucheiest rock star since Eddie Van Halen.
The 1990s:
It may be too easy to just throw the Insane Clown Posse out here, I have to keep in mind that this is about rock music, specifically, and the ICP does consider themselves hip hop. And also, in their defense, they have managed to build a brand and fanbase so strong, it has become a counter culture. So I went with the next worse thing from the 90s....
Limp Bizkit.
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| Photobombed by the Death Metal kid |
These guys are probably the worst band on this list of worst bands, regardless of the decade. I mean... G.G. Allin is pretty terrible, if you consider a psychotic, Nazi, Iggy Pop wannabe to be a rockstar, but that abomination aside, Fred Durst is the worst person ever. This band hits all the other horrible band benchmarks.
They're unoriginal hacks, riding on the backs of rock/hiphop pioneers 311 and Rage Against the Machine. The only song worth hearing was a George Michael cover. The fanbase seems to be made up of dudes who are too conservative to be punk rock, but still want to posture and brag about how tough and apathetic they are. If Johnny Rotten also played lacrosse and Call of Duty and spent all his time talking about smashing chicks, he'd be Fred Durst.
All of this would be acceptable, there are plenty of rock icons who piggy backed on other greater influences, and also were all about sex, if it wasn't for the substance of the music. The music is awful, playing to the lowest common denominator (the lyrics read like a Dr Suess book for adult morons). The band is a joke, and not the good, clever kind of joke like Steel Panther, but the bad kind that gives you VD and makes you question your life choices. In comparison, this band makes Nickelback look good.
The 1980s:
I've established many times how much I hate 80's music. If the entire decade can be summed up as having one good genre (punk rock), and also 6 or 7 actually good bands that are not that genre, the decade is probably trash. But the worst of the worst has got to be....
Poison.
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| Boy George called... he wants it all back, fellas |
The '80s was a time when rock was littered with Van Halen wannabes like Ratt, Wasp, Motley Crue, and other similar Alice Cooper/KISS inspired shows that seemed more devoted to how much glitter they could shove down their skintight pants than their song writing. The bright spot for this era of rock is the creation of my favorite joke of all time:
Q: What has 9 arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard.
But of all the terrible terribleness of the 80s, Poison rises through it all (or sinks like a brick?). They embody all that makes the genre of glam/hair metal so bad, while also being slandered by their own peers. Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue thinks they suck. Guns n Roses hated them. That's like all the other clowns from the circus looking down on the same dude for making the worst balloon animals. I think the reason I cant stand them, aside from the fact that the music is not good, is the motivations for becoming a band to start with. According to the band, they wanted to "get chicks". And while sex is an awesome perk of being a rockstar, making music should probably be the top priority. Even Nickelback puts music first.
The 1970s:
I want to put the Eagles on this throne. But after some reflection, there are better candidates. Ted Nugent comes to mind. I had a single "ah ha!" moment, and figured out exactly which band belongs here.
KISS.
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| There is too much WTF going on in this picture |
If you had no idea what KISS were, and just happened to stumble upon some of their unending line of merchandise, it would be easy to assume they are anything but a band that plays actual music. The monochrome facepaint and goth/sci-fi costumes fit better in crazy 80's children's television programming, or a setting from a Robert E Howard book. They look like a young wrestling fan's fever dream, and yet they sell out stadiums.
That's the part that seems unimaginable. How does this visual trainwreck sell out stadiums, while other bands in the same time period doing similar crazy onstage stuff, like Alice Cooper, and the New York Dolls, struggled? It took Twisted Sister 10 years to even secure a record contract. True, they do set things on fire, and blow things up, and spit blood, but then so does Iggy and the Stooges (only its not an act).
To sum up, this review from 1974 by Patrick MacDonald says all that needs to be said: "the music is strictly on the moron level, being made up of simple cords any child could learn and lyrics that are there because they rhyme". This isn't enough, though for me to declare them "worst of the '70s". If simple cord progressions were the only criteria every American Hardcore band would be on this list, but Black Flag is awesome.
MacDonald also points out they are "a very flashy glitter band that tries to make up in theatrics what it lacks musically". And that is what connects all of these terrible bands on this terrible list. But these guys did it first, and influenced all the Poisons and Nickelbacks, and garbage formulaic pop songs, and man eating plant puppets, and flame throwing codpieces, and every single Spinal Tap-esque moment in rock music history.
Speaking of Spinal Tap... if comic geniuses create a parody act about you and your very serious music career, you're probably a colossal joke. KISS is the real life Spinal Tap. Gene Simmons is far more interested in selling his brand, making money off an icon. And while this is great for Gene Simmons, the PT Barnum of Rock, it makes me question the intelligence of the KISS Army that continues to buy stupid things.
